Yesterday Pastor Jeremy came and we did a holy spirit baptism,
Shalyn and Thea came to me and call the holy spirit to come upon me,
but I didn't feel anything, I did not speak in tongues,
when I heard shiying crying and speaking in tongues,
I cried, I cried because I did not get baptised,
so i was thinking, was it because I did not trust him fully,
or what, my tears ran down like tapwater.
When the baptism thing was about to over,
thea hugged me, I feel blessed but failed at the point of time,
when thea hugged me, i guess she know why i cried,
i cried, but this make me trust in god more.
I fear of not trusting in god,
i fear of not knowing god,
i fear of not feeling god,
practically my situation is same as Darren's situation.
I don't know who to say this to,
i do not have Christians friends surrounding me,
so i guess no one could ever understand this.
Frankly speaking,
i sometimes feel like an atheist,
i don't know why i don't feel god's presence,
i don't know why my heart is so shut that god can't pry open,
but i want to know god again,
i want the old passion back.
Though i've been praying for days,
i do not know whether god will answer to it or speak to me,
but i always feels that god had give up on me,
he gave up on me because i didn't trust him enough.
Though i know his love is everlasting,
but i just can't feel his love.
I don't know why!
